funny stories

[مهناز]

It was winter , and the weather was very cold . the children's mothers always sent them to school with warm coats and hats and gloves . the children put their coats and hats on hooks on the wall and put their gloves in the pockets of coats and came into the classroom in the morning



one day , their teacher found two small blue gloves on the floor . she said to the children , whose gloves are these ? , but no one answered



then she looked at Dick . Haven't you got blue gloves , Dick ? she asked him


yes , miss , he answered . but those can't be mine . I've lost mine

[مهناز]

Mr & Mrs White had one daughter . she met a very nice young man who worked in a bank . they went out together quite a lot & he came to her parents' house too . then last week the girl went to her father & said : I'm going to marry with who was here yesterday



oh , yes , her father said . He's a nice boy , but has he got any money



oh , men ! all of you are the same , the daughter answerd angrily . I met him on the first of June & on the second he said me , Has your father got any money

[پیمان]

A fellow finds a bottle and when he opens it a genie pops out and grants him three wishes.But whatever you wish for your wife gets double


I would like a million dollars،he says.poof،he has a million dollars but his ex gets two!Iwould like a big house،he says.poof،he gets a big house and his wife gets two
Third wish the genie says?pick up that stick beside you and beat me half to death

[صبا محمدي]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[صبا محمدي]

Medical Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!" {happy}

[مهناز]

Mr Grey was walking along the street when a stranger stopped him and said to him : You may not remember me , sir , but seven years ago I came to London without a penny in my pockets . I stopped you in this street and ask you to lend me some money , and you lend me five pounds , because you said that you were willing to take a chansce a man a start on the road to success



Mr Grey thought for a few moments and then said : Yes , I remember you . Go on with your story


Well , answered the stranger , are you still willing to take a chance

[مهناز]

In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar


When Tom had his eighteenth birthday ,his father took him to a bar for the first time . they drank for half an hour , and then his father said to him : now , Tom , I want to teach you a usefull lesson . You must always be careful not to drink too much . and how do you know when you've had enough ? well ,I'll tell you . Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar ? when they seem to have became four , you've had enough and should go home


But , Dad , said Tom . I can only see one light at the end of the bar

[مهناز]

Matthew Hobbs was sixteen years old . He had been at the same school for five years , and he had always been a very bad pupil . he was lazy he fought with other pupils , he was rude to the teachers , and he did not obey the rules of the school . his headmaster tried to make his work and behave better , but he was never successful . then at last Matthew left school . He tried to get a job with a big company , and the manager wrote to the headmaster to find out what he could say about Matthew . the headmaster wanted to be honest , but he also did not want to be too hard , so he wrote : If you can get Matthew Hobbs to work for you , you will be very lucky

[صبا محمدي]

The religious Horse


Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.
The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.
He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.
The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah' said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?

[صبا محمدي]

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.
"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"
The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief

[صبا محمدي]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired

[مهناز]

Henry was from the United States and he had come to London for a holiday . one day he was not feeling well , so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said : I want to see a doctor . can you give me the name of a good one


The clerk looked in a book and then said : Dr. Kenneth Grey


Henry said : thank you very much . is he expensive


Well , the clerk answered . he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him , and 1.50 for later visits


Henry decided to save 50 P , so when he went to see the doctor , he said : I've come again , doctor


For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything . then he nodded and said : Oh , yes . he examined him and then said : Everything's going as it should do . Just continue with the medicine that I gave you last time

[مهناز]

Mr Williams was a gardener and a very good one too . last year he worked for Mrs Elphinstone , who was old , fat and rich . she knew nothing about gardens , but thought that she knew a lot , and was always interfering . One day Mr Williams got angry with her and called her an elephant . she did not like that at all , so she went to a lawyer , and a few months later Mr Williams was in court , accused of calling Mrs Elphinstone an elephant . The magistrate found Mr Williams guilty , so Mr Williams said to him : Does that mean I am not allowed to call this lady an elephant any more

That is quite correct , The magistrate answered

And am I allowed to call an elephant a lady ? the gardener asked

Yes , certainly . the magistrate answered

Mr Williams looked at Mrs Elphinstone and said : Goodbye , lady

[مهناز]

There are lots of different kinds of Christian groups in the world , and one of them decided that they would adopt the motto : There are no problems , there are only opportunities

Once this group was having a big conference in a hotel . one person came up to the conference inquiries desk and said to the girl behind it : Excuse me miss , but I have a problem

The girl pointed to the motto , and said to the man : No , sir , you haven't got a problem . You only have an opportunity

The man smiled patiently at her and answered : Well , you can call it whatever you like , but there's a young woman in the room I was given when I arrived five minutes ago

[صبا محمدي]

I was showing a video regarding the Revolutionary War to my "slower" class of seventh graders. Before turning on the video, I told them that the video would show actors portraying different historical people such as John Adams or Thomas Jefferson. I even told them that there would be a sign which would come up during the film which would remind everybody that these actors were saying the actual words of the historical characters that they were portraying. (I could see, however, that a few of the boys were not paying attention to what I was saying.) I turned on the video, waited for and pointed out the sign I had mentioned, and then watched the students as they watched the video. An actor portraying George Washington appeared. "Hey," I heard one boy say as he nudged his nearby friend, "is that George Washington?" His friend regarded him with utter contempt. "Stupid!" he whispered back, "This video's in color. They didn't have color videotape back then. If it was George Washington, it would be in black and white!"
FKM321@aol.com

[صبا محمدي]

My first grade class and I were on a field trip. We were walking along a board walk that stretched over a wetlands area. Along the board walk were
little plaques with donors names engraved on them. I heard one boy ask another, "What do you think all these names mean?". The other boy responded,
"They must be the names of people who fell off and died!".
Beth Weatherstone ~ Vero Beach, FL

[صبا محمدي]

It was getting to be "sweater weather" and we had a bad case of static cling in the room. After our morning carpet time, we found a pair of ladiesthongpanties on the carpet! I guess they were stuck in one of the kids' sleeves.
Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FL

[صبا محمدي]

Fred: What kind of Christmas did you have?
Tom: Oh, the same as last year, thirty minutes eating turkey, mince pies and Christmas pudding, followed by three days in bed recovering

[صبا محمدي]

Joe: Did you get many Christmas presents?
Jack: I sure did. A lot more than my four brothers.
Joe: Why was that?
Jack: On Christmas morning I got up two hours before them

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

The World’s Funniest Real Ads




Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!


Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

Cinderella Would Be Shocked


Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

Money


There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

ATM


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

The Service


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

Catch a Rabbit


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

Medical Problem


An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

Recovering Thinker


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

[ØÑтRдŁ§]

Smart Student


The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."