English Jokes

[matrix]

سلام به همه دوستان!

در این تاپیک جک هایی به زبان انگلیسی به همراه لغات مهم و ترجمه انگلیسی و فارسی لغات قرار داده میشه، امیدوارم که مورد توجه شما قرار بگیره.

اگه مشکلی در ترجمه داشتید من در خدمتم.

کشیش




Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another? asked a parishioner





".Definitely not," answered his preacher




"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man




"Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor





"Okay. In that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you after my wedding last year






:Pastor


a Christian religious leader in charge of a church and its members, esp. in a Protestant church

کشیش، رهبر روحانی






:parishioner


someone who lives in a parish, especially someone who regularly goes to a Christian church there

عضو کلیسای محل، اهل محل



:wedding


a marriage ceremony, especially one with a religious service

عروسی، ازدواج

[matrix]

قاضی



The judge frownedat the robber.

- "So you admitbreaking into the same store on successive nights?"
- "Yes, your honor."
- "And why was that?"
- "Because my wife wanted a dress."

The judge checked his records.

- "But it says here you broke in two nights in a row!"
- "Yes, sir. She made meexchange it




Judge : قاضی


Example:
Everyone stood up as the judge entered the courtroom.

The official in control of a court who decides how criminals should be punished.
وقتی قاضی وارد اتاق دادگاه شد همه قیام کردند.


Frown : اخم


Example :
when she saw us, she frowned -
To bring the Eyebrows together in anger
وقتی ما را دید اخم کرد


Robber : دزد





Example:
Someone broke into my car and stole the radio.
Admit : قبول داری
Break into:دستبرد زدن
To enter a building or car by using force, in order to steal something.

یه نفر به ماشینم دستبرد زده و رادیوم را دزدیده

Her house was broken into last week. -

هفته پیش به منزلش دستبرد زده شده


Successive (adj) پی در پی

Example:
The team has had five successive victories. -
coming or following one after the other
تیم سه پیروزی پی در پی داشت

Three successive nights. - سه شب پی در پی


Your honor : عالیجناب

Your/His/Her Honour
Used when speaking to or about a judge
Example:
No, You're Honour. -

نه عالیجناب


Records :
Information, a written statement of facts, events, etc.:
Example:
Keep a record of how much you spend. -

اسناد، اطلاعات، در این متن، پرونده


In a row = Successive : پی در پی







Example:
We still exchange gifts at Christmas. -
She : همسرم Made me : مجبورم کرد Exchange : عوض کردن to give someone something and receive the same kind of thing from them at the same time.
عوضش کنم

[matrix]

A man's luggage didn't show up on the airport baggage carousel, so he found

the lost luggage desk and told the clerk his troubles. She assured him, "You are

in good hands, sir. I am a trained professional. " Then she asked, "Has your

plane arrived yet?"



show up:

پیدا شدن




carousel:

تسمه گردان در فرودگاه ها که چمدان ها روی آن می چرخند



desk:

بخش



clerk:

کارمند


assured:

اطمینان داد


in good hands:

جای خوبی آمدی، خوش شانسی




trained



دوره دیده

[matrix]

Last week I went to the theater. I had a very good seat. The play was very interesting. I did not enjoy it. A young man and a young woman were sitting behind me. They were talking loudly. I got very angry. I could not hear the actors. I turned round. I looked at the man and the woman angrily. They did not pay any attention. In the end, I could not bear it. I turned round again. “I can’t hear a word!” I said angrily .
“It’s none of your business,” the young man said rudely. “This is a private conversation!”

Bear: /verb/ to be able to accept and deal with sth unpleasant; stand:

Example:
- she couldn’t bear the thought of losing him.

- prison life was difficult to bear.

تحمل زندگی در زندان دشوار بود


Private: /adj/ intended for or involving a particular person or group of people, not for people in general or for others to know about:

Example:
a private conversation / letter.

یک صحبت/نامه خصوصی





Conversation: /noun/ (with sb) (about sth) an informal talk involving a small group of people or only two; the activity of talking in this way:

Example:
- Don was deep in conversation with the girl on his right.

- َAn English conversation class.

کلاس مکالمه انگلیسی


Rudely: /adv/ in the way that shows a lack of respect for other people and their feelings:

Example:
“what do you mean?” she asked rudely.

منظورت چیه؟ او با گستاخی و بی شرمی پرسید

[matrix]

A man and woman had marriage problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. In court, the judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to the point where you cannot keep this marriage together?" The husband replied, "In the six weeks we've been married, we haven't agreed on one thing." His wife interrupted, "Seven weeks!"



:marriage

ازدواج



:Example



- marriage certificate

قباله ازدواج



:marriage problems

مشکلات زناشویی(ازدواج)


:union

وصلت، ازدواج، زناشویی



:court

دادگاه

:Example



- a divorce court

دادگاه طلاق


- the court dismissed the charges

دادگاه اتهامات وارده را رد کرد


- this matter should be left to the courts

این قضیه باید به محاکم قضایی ارجاع شود




:point


جا، نکته


:keep

ادامه دادن

:Example

-
he kept on talking


او به حرف زدن ادامه داد.

[matrix]

A man who was convinced that he was John the Baptist was committed to a mental hospital and assigned to a room with another crazy man. He immediately went into his routine, "I am John the Baptist! And Jesus Christ sent me here!" The other guy looked at him and calmly declared, "I did not."




:convinced



to make someone feel certain that something is true


باور داشت

ٍ:Example

-
I’m convinced that she is telling the truth







John the Baptist



(?12 BC-?28 AD) in the New Testament of the Bible, a religious teacher who told people that Jesus Christ was coming, and who baptized Jesus in the River Jordan.




حضرت یحیی







:committed




to order someone to be put in a hospital or prison

فرستادن، تحویل دادن

- The judge committed him to prison for six months.


قاضی او را برای 6 ماه به زندان فرستاد



- to be committed to a mental hospital.

به بیمارستان روانی فرستاده شدن



:assigned


گذاشتنش



:routine


کار و ادا اطفار همیشگیش



:declared


to say publicly what you think or feel

گفت

- It's not fair,' Jane declared

[matrix]

Last week at a dinner-party, the hostess asked me to sit next to Mrs. Rumbold. Mrs. Rumbold was large, unsmiling lady in a tight black dress. She did not even look up when I took my seat beside her. Her eyes were fixed on her plate and in a short time, she was busy eating. I tried to make a conversation.
‘A new play is coming to “the Globe” soon,’ I said ‘will you be seeing it?’
‘No’ she answered.
‘Will you spend your holiday’s abroad this year?’ I asked.
‘No’ she answered.
In despair, I asked her whether she was enjoying her dinner.
‘Young man,’ she answered ‘if you ate more and talk less, we would both enjoy our dinner!’





Host: a person who invites guests to a meal, a party, etc. or who has people staying at their house:

Hostess:

خانم میزبان


ٍExample:

- Ian, our host, introduced us to the other guests.


Unsmiling: not smiling; looking unfriendly:

Example:

- His eyes were hard and unsmiling

Tight: (clothes) fitting closely to your body and sometimes uncomfortable:

تنگ

Example:

- She was wearing a tight pair of jeans.

Despair: the feeling of having lost all hopes:

ناامیدی

Example:

- He gave up the struggle in despair

[matrix]

The Last One?

After reading an article entitled ‘Cigarette Smoking and Your Health’ I lit a cigarette to calm my nerves. I smoke with concentration and pleasure as I was sure that this would be my last cigarette. For a whole week I did not smoke at all and during this time, my wife suffered terribly. I had all the usual symptoms of someone giving up smoking: a bad temper and an enormous appetite. My friends kept onoffering me cigarettes and cigars.

They made no effort to hide their amusement whenever I produced a packet of sweets from my pocket. After seven days of this I went to a party. Everybody around me was smoking and I felt extremely uncomfortable .when my old friend Brian urged me to accept a cigarette; it was more than I could bear. I took one guiltily, lit it and smoked with satisfaction .my wife was delighted that things had returned to normal once more. Anyway, as Brian pointed out, it is the easier things in the world to give up smoking. He himself has done it lots of times!




Vocabulary


Entitle:
To give sb the right to have or do sth:

مستحق دانستن

Example:
you will be entitled to your pension when you reach 65.

Lit:
Pt, pp of light

Pleasure:
A state of feeling or being happy or satisfied: enjoyment:

خوشی


Example:
- To read for pleasure

Symptom:
A sign that sth exists, especially sth bad:

علائم


Example:
The rise in infection was just one symptom of the poor state of the economy.

Enormous: extremely large; huge; immense:

خیلی بزرگ


Example:
An Enormous House

Appetite: physical desire for food:

اشتها



Example:
- He suffered from headaches, insomnia and loss of headaches







Urge:
To advise or try hard to persuade sb to do sth:

درخواست کردن


Example:
- She urged him to stay.

Satisfaction:
The good feeling that you have when you have achieved sth that you wanted to happen does happen; sth that gives you this feeling:

رضایت


Example:
- To gain /get satisfaction.

Delighted:
very pleased:

خوشایند

Example:
- A delighted smile.

Pointed out:
To stretch your finger out towards sb/sth in order to show sb which person or things you are referring to:

اشاره کردن


Example:
I’ll point him out to you next times he comes in.

Special note
The verb KEEP has a different meaning in each of these sentences. Study them carefully:


Example:
- My friends kept on offering me cigarettes and cigars. (Continued)

- Please keep off the grass. (Do not walk on it.)

- He kept away from the party. (Did not come.)

- Under my essay, the teacher wrote, ‘good work! Keep it up!’(Continue making an effort.)

- He ran so fast, I could not keep up with him. (Remain beside him.)

- A big notice on the door said, ‘keep out!’(Do not come in.)

- The boy was kept in after school. (To stay as a punishment.)

Such verbs are called ‘phrasal verbs’ and are very important in English language. Try to learn them as soon as you can

[matrix]

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?

B: Yes, of course.

A: Great! I never could before!

Great:عالی

EXAMPLE:
- It's great to be home.

EXAMPLE:
- a great day out for all the family.

[matrix]

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.


One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"


Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."


A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"


With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."


The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"



Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."


single:
not married
مجرد

- Ali is 38 years old and still single.
علی 38 سالش و هنوز مجرد


married:
having a husband or a wife متاهل
- Are you married or single?
شما متاهلید یا مجرد؟


just :
exactly
دقیقا
- The house was large and roomy; just right for us.
خانه بزرگ و جاداری بود، دقیقا مناسب ما


You were right
حق با تو بود

[s@ba]

Boy: I am not rich like rohit, I don't even have a bid car like rohit. But I really love you!
Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about rohit..



پسر : من به اندازه روهیت ثروتمند نیستم من ماشینی شبیه ماشین روهیت ندارم.
اما من واقعا عاشقت هستم!!!
دختر : من هم عاشقت هستم ، اما بیشتر درباره روهیت بگو!!!





If I was an artist,
you would be my picture!
If I was a poet,
you would be my inspiration!
If I was an author you would be my story!
But I'm only a cartoonist!



اگه من یه هنرمند بودم....
تو تصویر من بودی...
اگه یه شاعر بودم...
تو الهام دهنده من بودی.
اگه من یه نویسنده بودم تو داستان من بودی!!
.
.
(متاسفم) من فقط یه نقاش شخصیت های کارتونی هستم!!!





Do u know similarity between Dinosaurs and Decent Girls?
Both don't exist.



میدونی شباهت دایناسور و دختر نجیب چیه ؟
نسل هردوشون منقرض شده!!!

[s@ba]

I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
Due to electric failure
Mr.Bean:
Ya me too
I was stuck on ESCALATOR for 5 hrs


از زمانی که برق رفت من تو آسانسور 3 ساعت گیرکردم.
.
.
مستربین:
من هم همین طور!!
من 5 ساعت رو پله برقی گیرکردم.



husband & Wife )
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister



( زن و شوهر )شوهر : بعد از این که من بمیرم آیا ازدواج می کنی؟
زن : نه من با خواهرم زندگی می کنم...
زن : بعد از مرگ من تو ازدواج خواهی کرد؟
شوهر : نه من هم با خواهرت زندگی می کنم.




An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back!


سوال هواپیما از موشک :
یه هواپیما از یه موشک می پرسه که :
چطوری می تونی این قدر سریع پرواز کنی؟
موشک جواب میده : اگه تو کو... آتیش میزاشتن میدونستی که چقدر درد داره....

[matrix]

رابطه سیاستمداران و پوشک بچه



Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly…and for the same reason.


diapers:
a piece of soft cloth or soft paper that is put between a baby's legs and fastened around its waist to hold liquid and solid waste.


پوشک،کهنه بچه


ٍExample:
- we need to change the baby's diaper.

باید پوشک بچه را عوض کنیم


- a disposable diaper

پوشک یکبار مصرف


common:

مشترک


regularly:

به طور مرتب

[matrix]

Late one night in Washington, D. C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs. “Give me your money!” he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, “You can’t do this to me—I’m a U. S. Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”

- mugger:
someone who attacks people in a public place and robs them.

کسی که به منظور سرقت دیگران را می زند


- well-dressed:
wearing attractive fashionable clothes.

خوش تیپ


ٍExample:
- A well dresed man.

یک مرد خوش تیپ


- rib:
one of the 12 pairs of curved bones that surround your chest.

قفسه سینه


Example:
- He was punched and kicked in the ribs.


مشت و لگد تو سینش خورده بود

demand:
to ask for something very firmly, especially because you think you have a right to do this.

خواستن، طلبیدن


Example:
- he demanded his money.

او پول خود را مطالبه می کرد


stiffened:
to make or become firm

جمع و جور شدن، سفت شدن


indignantly:
angry and surprised because you feel insulted or unfairly treated

خشمگین-به ویژه در اثر توهین یا بی اعتنایی

Example:
- Liz was indignant at the way her child had been treated.

لیز از رفتار بچه هاش خیلی عصبان بود

[matrix]

"Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" asked a parishioner. "Definitely not," answered his preacher. "Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man. "Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor. "Okay. In that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you after my wedding last year


Vocabulary
Pastor: a minister in charge of a Christian church
کشیش

Profit:the advantage that you get from doing sth
سود،منفعت

Example

the company made a healthy profit of $106m last year

Parishioner:a person living in an area who goes to church regularly


Preacher: a Christian who gives a religious at a church

Wedding: marriage ceremony and the party usually followa it

Example
she looked beautiful in her weddingday


Special note
Would you mind... =do you want

this is a polite form of request
the verb after mind is always in�ING form

Example
would you mind buying a newspaper for me

[matrix]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. After sharing a good meal they went into their tent, laid down, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakened his faithful friend. “Watson, look up there in the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “And what does that tell you, Watson?” Watson pondered. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.






Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and that we merely insignificant specks in His grand plan. Meteorologically, I predict we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” Watson asked Holmes, “What does it tell you?” Holmes replied, “Watson, you idiot. It tells me some bastard stole our tent!“


- tent: چادر

- awaken V) to wake up or to make someone wake up

EXAMPLE:

- She was awakened by a noise at two in the morning.

- faithful Adj) وفادار، با وفا

EXAMPLE:

- Hollis was a good and faithful friend .

- astronomically: از لحاظ ستاره شناسی

- galaxy: کهکشان
one of the large groups of stars that make up the universe

- Horologically: از نظر وقت و زمان

- deduce: نتیجه گیری کردن، برداشت کردن

EXAMPLE:

- From her son's age, I deduced that her husband must be at least 60.

- approximately:تقریباً

- insignificant:ناچیز

- Meteorologically: از نظر هواشناسی

- predict: پیش بینی
to say that something will happen, before it happens

- Sales were five percent lower than predicted.
فروش 5 درصد از پیش بینی ها کمتر بود

- idiot: احمق، ابله

EXAMPLE:
- who was the idiot who left the door open?

[matrix]

Why don't you do that?
One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the cute
young couple next door.

"Look at that. See how devoted they are?
He kisses her all the time. Why don't you do that?"

"I'd love to," replied her husband, "but I don't know her quite well enough yet."

One evening:یک شب
[uncountable and countable]
the early part of the night between the end of the day and the time you go to bed

Examples;
- I do most of my studying in the evening.
- I'm usually out on Friday evenings .
- What are you doing tomorrow evening ? Peter left yesterday evening .
- I'll see you this evening .
- It was early evening by the time we got home.
- We had just finished our evening meal when the doorbell rang.


draw (somebody's) attention to:
to make someone notice something

توجه کسی را به چیزی جلب کردن

Examples;
- I have been asked to draw your attention to the following points.
- A dark house can draw attention to the fact that the house is empty.


devoted:
giving someone or something a lot of love and attention

علاقمند، عاشق

Examples;
- a devoted father
- Isabella was devoted to her brother.

quite:

خیلی، کاملا، به درستی، خیلی زیاد

fairly or very, but not extremely

ￚsee also pretty
Examples;
- The food in the canteen is usually quite good.
- He seems quite upset about it all.I'm quite willing to help.
- Amy's at university now and doing quite well .
- I got a letter from Sylvia quite recently.

[matrix]

eye exam
A man went for an eye exam. "Doctor, will I be able to read after I get glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor. "Oh, that'd be great," said the patient, "'cause I've been illiterate my whole life!"


eye exam: معاینه چشم

get glasses: عینک زدن

great:عالی

EXCELLENT, very good

especially spoken

ￚsynonym wonderful, fantastic
Examples:
- The weather here is great.
- It's great to be home.
- a great day out for all the family.


patient: someone who is receiving medical treatment from a doctor or in a hospital
بیمار

cause: because: چونکه، چون

illiterate: someone who is illiterate has not learned to read or write : بی سواد

whole life: کل زندگی

[matrix]

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.

[matrix]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.

"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."

The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.

"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

[matrix]

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

[matrix]

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"
Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit


The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.
"
Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...
"
Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

[matrix]

Two Balloons (present tense version)
Two balloons are floating across the desert.
One balloon says to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"

Two Balloons (past tense version)
Two balloons were floating across the desert.
One balloon said to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"

[matrix]

Penguin


A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

[raha78]

Wake Up for School











Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"





"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."





"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."





"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"





"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."





"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."





"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[raha78]

How to Annoy a Policeman (if you dare)!


. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol!"





If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70.





If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet.





. Trip and fall into him.





. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.





. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.





. Try to sell him your car.





. Ask if you can buy his car.





Tell him you like men in uniform.





Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

[raha78]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

[raha78]

Tech Support Story


Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."





Customer: "Ok."





Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"





Customer: "No."





Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"





Customer: "No."





Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"





Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

[raha78]

Higher Education
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow ! "

[raha78]

Movie Theater
Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.

[raha78]

Honeymoon
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”

The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

[raha78]

Wrong Number
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[raha78]

Before it Starts
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

[raha78]

Change in Finances (http://www.arcamax.com/jokes/s-418652-824600)
A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.”

“Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked.

“A billionaire.”

[raha78]

Blind Pilot
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”

[raha78]

$50 a Second (http://www.arcamax.com/jokes/s-418651-134864)
A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door.

Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!”

She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away.

When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”

[raha78]

Entertaining Idiots (http://www.arcamax.com/jokes/s-418648-368969)

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.” It didn’t sell very well.

I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”

It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: “Re-read this line.”

Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.

Dumb Sky Diver (http://www.arcamax.com/jokes/s-418640-215525)

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.

The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open.

Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

[نارون1]

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

[سوخته سرایی]

دوست عزیزم من در تلفظ مشکل دارم راهنماییم میکنی چکار کنم ممنونت میشم[khejalat]